‘’Max!~”
Max let out a huff as he felt a pair of feet land on him and knock him over. His fingers were cold, and Finn winces as the older’s fingers curl around his ankle, yanking the younger away.
Max huffed, bending over to pick himself up. He’d dust the dirt off of his black jeans and he looked back up at Finn, his eyes are bloodshot. ‘’What do you what?”
Finn smiles, his smile as bright as the sun, his grin is too wide, too enthusiastic for Max to handle. ’’I want to keep you company!”
Max rolled his eyes, he’d sit himself back down on the couch. Finn would sit beside him and rest his head on his chest, when Max looks up with a scowl, all Finn does is grin sleepily, his eyes were falling shut. He cuddled closer to Max. His hair fell over his eyes.
Finn began letting out soft huffs, his breath fell slower. Max got a blanket and put it over the younger.
‘’You’re so cold.’’ Max would scold Finn.
Finn would ignore Max as her shivers slightly, snuggling with the blanket around him. ‘’I love you, Max.’’ he mumbled, half asleep.
Max doesn’t stress, he moved Finn’s hair out of his eyes. ‘’I know.’’ he’d answer.
When Finn kisses Max, it throws Max off his equilibrium, each and every time, even though they were dating. Well, kind of dating.
Max sighs, shaking hair from his eyes. He quickly stands back up after getting dressed. ‘’You got any plans for today?”
‘’I might go swimming, maybe. I don’t know, Eoin and Cian invited me.’’
‘’Swimming?” Max frowns.
‘’Yeah, that thing you do in the water?”
Max looks back at Finn, throwing him an ugly look. ‘’I know what swimming is.’’ he licked his lips. ‘’But you’re going with Eoin? You know he likes you, right?
Finn hummed, avoiding Max’s eyes. He lifted his shoulders and shrugged. ‘’I know.’’ he was shivering from the cold.
‘’You know?”
''Well, yeah,’’ His cheeks were red, ‘’but it doesn’t matter because I don’t like him’’ he smiled.
Finn continued to shiver, ‘’Finn, can you stop shivering and take a blanket or something?” He threw a blanket to him, he pulled it up to his chin and looked at Max with wide eyes. Max wondered what it would be like if Finn did go with Eoin,
if Max loses Finn to Eoin, it might just be for the best, for Finn anyway. Max thought.
‘’Maybe you should give him a chance!’’ Max mentions whilst shrugging on a coat.
‘’I don’t want to give him a chance.’’ Finn frowns.
‘’Why not? He seems nice.’’ He looked for his keys.
‘’Because I love you!” He used the ''Duh’’ tone of voice.
Max stares at Finn, he’s heard it before so what’s wrong? His breath catches in his throat and tingles go up his spine. He tried to say it. He tried to force it out. I love you too. But he can’t. He doesn’t know if those words are true, so all he can manage to say is ‘’I…’’
Finn let out a sigh, ‘’It’s ok, Max.’’ His lips begin to form a straight line. ''See you later.’’
A lot of months before Finn started telling Max he loved him, and before they were dating-half dating. Max met a boy who made his world tilt. His name was Sean, he had a petty smile and bright eyes, and when he kissed Max, Max kissed him back.
‘’I think Finn likes you,’’ Sean whispered to Max as he walked back into the room. He brought himself and Sean a bottle of water, but he didn’t bring Finn anything.
‘’Likes me? Max questioned. He hat back on the sofa, looking over at Finn. ‘’I don’t think so,’’ Max says as Finn turned around, knowing Max was staring at him.
‘’He doesn’t like me.’’ He loves me.
‘’Hmm,’’ Sean chuckled, drinking the water Max brought in. ‘’It sure looks like it sometimes.’’ Sean frowned. ‘’I don’t want to get in the way of anything.’’
Max played with Sean’s hair before quickly giving him a peck. ‘’Don’t worry, me and Finn aren’t anything.’’
Sean smiled, cuddling into Max, not knowing that Max is lying, just a bit. Just a little bit.
‘’Are you ashamed of us?” Finn asked Max the moment Sean leaves.
‘’Ashamed of what?”
‘’Us, are you ashamed of us?” He repeats. ‘’Or I mean, ashamed of what we had?”
Max began to shake his head as he suddenly realised what was happening. ‘’Don’t read into things too much, Finn. You know what we had. Don’t make it something it wasn’t.’’
Finn narrowed his eyes at him. ‘’I can tell Sean.’’
Max shrugged, ‘’Do then, tell him.’’
‘’What does he have that I don’t?” He snapped.
Max began to get annoyed at the younger boy, slamming down the bottle he had in his hand. ‘’Finn,’’ he warned, ‘’drop it.’’
‘’No,’’ he snapped. He walked up to Max. ‘’What’s so good about him, you told me ages ago you don’t do relationships so why him, Max? What does he have?”
“He’s good and pure and nice and he’s everything I’m not’’ Max forced out. ‘’Now, drop it.’’
Finn’s eyes were lost, he was lost. ‘’I was good and pure too.’’
Max felt guilt after hearing those words, he knew what Finn was feeling, he got so sensitive over the slightest things. ‘’Finn, I didn’t mean it like-‘’
Finn smiled a smile, it was a fake smile. ‘’It’s true, I was.’’ He quietly sighed, looking down. ‘’I still love you Max, you know that, right?''
Max swallowed harshly. ‘’I know.’’
Let’s go back to the night when Finn went swimming with Eoin and Cian, it was 4 O’Clock in the morning and he still wasn’t home. Max didn’t worry about him, he knew he’d be ok, he knew he was only swimming, what’s the worst that could happen?
But at 4 O’Clock in the morning, he called Max.
Max woke up to that very phone call, he squinted at the brightness of his phone, trying to figure out who was calling him at such a time.
Finn.
Max put his phone to his ear, his voice was rough. ‘’This better be something serious, Finn.’’
‘’Eoin kissed me,’’ Finn let out a deep breath. Max thought this would’ve been a good thing, but he could hear Finn’s voice trembling ‘’Eoin kissed me and all I could think of was you!”
‘’Finn, are you ok?” Max sat up, he started to worry.
Finn let out a shaky laugh, his breath was catching up on him and he was quietly sobbing, which Max could hear. ‘’I miss us being together, Max. Will I always think of you?”
‘’Finn,’’ Max sighed, ‘’where are you? I’ll come pick you up.’’
Finn gulped. ‘’I think loving you is hard, mainly when you won’t love me back.’'
‘’Finn, where-‘’
‘’No.’’ Finn let out, forcefully. Max heard something fall to the floor in the background , but he didn’t say anything. ‘’Let me talk please, I need to tell you this.’’ He took a deep breath. ‘’I love you so much, Max. I’ve loved you since the moment I first met you. I love you since you first said hello, I love you more everyday. I love you so much it feels impossible, to care about someone as much as I care about you. I love you, and I wan’t you to be happy, but is it too much to ask for you to be happy with me? I know that you can love, you loved me before, when we were together, you say you can’t but I know for a fact you can. Before me, you fell in love with Sean, you didn’t want to have feelings for him so you cheated on him to show that you didn’t have a heart, I helped you do It too. I helped you break Sean’s heart. You knew that if you kissed me, that exact moment Sean would walk in. You knew he would catch us and there were two broken hearts that day, neither of them were yours.’’
Max has a lump is he throat, he can feel it. ‘’Finn, what happened with Sean wasn’t your fault.’’
‘’I told you to stay quiet.’’ Finn’s voice is clear now, shaky still, but determined. ‘’Please tell Sean that I’m sorry. You two would be great if you ever wanted to try again.’’
‘’I don’t want to try again, not with him anyway.’’
Finn ignored him. ‘’I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I didn’t care how, I just wanted to be with you so much. I hurt so many people, I even pushed Eoin away. Eoin told me he loved me, before he kissed me. I was waiting to hear those words for so long, but from you. I’ve grown up a lot now, Max haven’t I?” He laughed quietly. ‘’I love you Max. But I’m drowning in a sea of you and I can’t swim, will you save me?”
Max is speechless. ‘’Finn,’’
‘’Yes?”
Max took a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting out a sigh. ‘’Please, tell me where you are.’’
‘’I have to go, Max.’’
‘’Finn-‘’ He was about to scream at the younger boy, but he didn’t. ‘’Please, I have to see you.’’
‘’You’ll see me, I promise.’’ His voice was almost a whisper, it confused Max because it sounded like he was smiling. ‘’I love you.’’
Max was going to say those words back but he can’t. He just can’t. He doesn’t know why. Coward. He’d scowled himself.
Finn laughed. ‘’I’ll see you around, Max. Love you.’’
And then,
The line drops.
The next day, when Max got the call, everything around him stopped.
Finn was dead.
He drowned himself in a swimming pool. He was found the next morning, floating at the top.
Max thought of the exact words Finn said on that phone call the night before: ‘’You’ll see me, I promise.’’
Max was asked to speak at the service, saying he was a close friend of Finn. But he couldn’t go up, he knew why Finn was really dead and it was all his fault. Max saw Finn slowly fade before his eyes, and he didn’t do anything.
Eoin was at the service, he was crying into the arms of a boy as he screamed out, ‘’I loved him, Cian!” And the other boy whispering comforting words to him.
Even Sean showed up. It had been months since Max seen him, months since Sean seen Max kissing Finn, months since Sean slammed his apartment door, screaming that he hated Max.
He walked up to Max, ‘’I’m sorry.’’ He said, his eyes were wet.
‘’People keep saying that to me,’’ Max’s voice was clear, he wasn’t crying. ‘’I really wish they wouldn’t, sorry does nothing for me.’’
Sean frowned, he looked over at the photo displayed of Finn. Finn was smiling in that picture. ‘’I know you loved him,’’ Sean said while wiping his eyes. ''He loved you too.’’
‘’I know he did.’’ Max began to get angry at Sean, at Finn, at himself.
‘’I’m sorry but I don’t know what to do.’’ He rushed his words staring Sean in the eyes, Sean was about to hug him, but he stopped him. ‘’Don’t, don’t comfort me when it’s all my fault.’’
‘’Nobody blames you, Max-‘’
‘’I blame myself.’’
Max suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe in that room so he walked out of the room for a while.
It was’t until later that Max decided to walk up to Finn’s grave. The words on the tombstone annoyed him.
Finn Anderson, 1998-2018.
All of Finn’s life had be reduced to a dash between two numbers.
That dash didn’t talk about how Finn loved, thrived and lived.
That dash didn’t talk about how Finn would always smile for others.
That dash didn’t talk about how Finn smiled so bright that it could blind you.
Max placed down flowers, he was angry at himself for never asking Finn what his favourite flower was.
From that day onward, he always brought different flowers, hoping one day, maybe he got it right.
Max went to Finn’s grave everyday, with a different kind of flower, today it was a single sunflower.
‘’Hi Finn,’’ Max smiled. ‘’You left quite a while ago and I still miss you so much.’’ He bit his lip. ‘’I keep going back to that phone call, I should’ve saved you, I’m sorry.’’
He held back tears, blinking slowly. ‘’I shouldn’t have lied to myself Finn, I was just scared. When I broke up with you, a bit of myself broke off aswell, I didn’t deserve you to love me as much as you did, I didn’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person. I wish you’d come back, Finn. I wish I could make it right again.’’
He swept of dirt off of the tombstone, ‘’I hope they’re treating you well.’’ He trailed his fingers along Finn’s name.
‘’Bye Finn, I’ll see you tommorow. I promise.’’
Max stood up, he looked down at the sunflower, thinking about the flower he’d bring tomorrow for him.
‘’I love you too, Finn.’’
Happy Valentines Day!
