I like chairs, I really do. The only reason I wouldn't like chairs is when you are strapped to one. Ironically, I am strapped to a chair.So to rephrase right now, I really don't like chairs.
Chapter 1: Origin
*12 Hours Earlier*
"UGH" I threw myself on the couch. I slid off the couch, its fibers scraping my neck and arms. "OH SH-" "thump" I sat lying on the floor questioning my life decisions. I was a lonely person. The only friend I have is my cat. His name is Oliver. I like Oliver, he is floof cat. Everyone likes floof cats. Oliver came and sat on my stomach, His tail slapped me in the face like a fluffy whip. I laughed and kinda poked him off. Oliver sat on the couch with a WHY YOU POKE ME kind of face. I sat back up on the couch went on my phone."Bing." An alert went off on my phone, it was the software update I have been ignoring for the past like, I don't know 2 weeks? I tapped ignore and explored my phone. "swipe, swipe" If your asking, that's not my phone, that's Oliver, swiping his paw against my maroon shirt. "Riiip" I felt a small claw start to scratch my arm. I lifted up my arm, a 2 inch long rip was in place instead of the threads that held this shirt together. "Oliver you floof." I said, I couldn't be mad. If I was,the members of PETA would invade my home and throw rabbit pellets at me. I hear rabbit pellets aren't the best thing to be pelted by. I pick up Oliver and set him on my lap. He instantly falls asleep and for now I am stuck here. Of course, I am just using Oliver as an excuse not to go out and purchase groceries but it's a valid excuse. I lay there, looking at Oliver in all of his floofy glory. I look up, I stare at the ceiling for what seems like hours, I started to feel drowsy. My eyes fluttered as I desperately hung on to my awake being, but after mere minutes of fighting I caved in.
"Snort" Ugh. I woke up to my own snoring. WONDERFUL. Oliver jumps on the coffee table and sits in a bowl. In my years of caring for Oliver I have learned that when he sits in it, it's his. So basically I just lost a bowl. I get up and check my limited edition 10th anniversary Micky Mouse watch, it reads 5:37 PM, I walk to the small kitchen to make myself some dank pizza rolls. I pull out the frozen bag of rolls and dump out some on a plate. I shove it in the microwave and press the button. "BEEP BEEP" they are done. I open the microwave to the savory smell of rolled up pizza, I grab the plate, ready to enjoy my thawed out meal. "OW!" The plate burned my hand, I manage to actually drop the whole plate onto the floor. Sauce, cheese, and some of my tears cover the floor. I look at the mess and think to myself JESUS SON OF A **** I SWEAR TO GOD, I WAS SO HUNGRY, GOD WHY THE HECK, LIKE THOSE WERE SOME TASTY ROLLS BUT YOU HAD TO SCREW THEM UP DIDN'T YOU?, JESUS YOU STUPID BUTTHOLE, WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THE OVEN MITT THINGYS LIKE YOU JUST COSTED US THE GREATEST MEAL OF OUR LIFE. Oliver scoots his boot over and starts to eat the gooey mess of pizza. I didn't see this as my cat eating my food, I saw this as a free cleaning service. So I shook it off and went to binge watch The Flash on my laptop.
"UGHHHHH" I groaned. I pulled out my phone and read the notifications *buy milk* was all it said. I didn't feel like doing anything at the moment so I just sat there imagining how I would survive the zombie apocalypse when all of a sudden JESUS POPPED OUT OF THE FLOOR AND TOOK ME TO NARNIA! Heh just kidding. The doorbell ringed. "ding dong" The sound of bells rung throughout the small apartment. Since Oliver is incapable of opening a door, I had to go get the door. I twisted and pulled on the handle, It was the mailman. "Sign here please" was the only type of verbal interaction we had, I picked up the pen and signed the paper, the mailman then proceeded to hand me a package, Badly packaged, but still a package. I closed the door and set the package on the coffee table. I cut off the tape and pulled back the flaps. Inside was full of packaging peanuts. I dumped out the peanuts for Oliver, and as fast as a bullet he started to play with the peanuts. I looked back into the parcel and say another box. "waht." I said to myself as Oliver thwapped around peanuts. I picked up the smaller box and opened that box. Inside. Was. The milk i ordered from postmates because I am a lazy butt.
Chapter 1: Origin
*12 Hours Earlier*
"UGH" I threw myself on the couch. I slid off the couch, its fibers scraping my neck and arms. "OH SH-" "thump" I sat lying on the floor questioning my life decisions. I was a lonely person. The only friend I have is my cat. His name is Oliver. I like Oliver, he is floof cat. Everyone likes floof cats. Oliver came and sat on my stomach, His tail slapped me in the face like a fluffy whip. I laughed and kinda poked him off. Oliver sat on the couch with a WHY YOU POKE ME kind of face. I sat back up on the couch went on my phone."Bing." An alert went off on my phone, it was the software update I have been ignoring for the past like, I don't know 2 weeks? I tapped ignore and explored my phone. "swipe, swipe" If your asking, that's not my phone, that's Oliver, swiping his paw against my maroon shirt. "Riiip" I felt a small claw start to scratch my arm. I lifted up my arm, a 2 inch long rip was in place instead of the threads that held this shirt together. "Oliver you floof." I said, I couldn't be mad. If I was,the members of PETA would invade my home and throw rabbit pellets at me. I hear rabbit pellets aren't the best thing to be pelted by. I pick up Oliver and set him on my lap. He instantly falls asleep and for now I am stuck here. Of course, I am just using Oliver as an excuse not to go out and purchase groceries but it's a valid excuse. I lay there, looking at Oliver in all of his floofy glory. I look up, I stare at the ceiling for what seems like hours, I started to feel drowsy. My eyes fluttered as I desperately hung on to my awake being, but after mere minutes of fighting I caved in.
"Snort" Ugh. I woke up to my own snoring. WONDERFUL. Oliver jumps on the coffee table and sits in a bowl. In my years of caring for Oliver I have learned that when he sits in it, it's his. So basically I just lost a bowl. I get up and check my limited edition 10th anniversary Micky Mouse watch, it reads 5:37 PM, I walk to the small kitchen to make myself some dank pizza rolls. I pull out the frozen bag of rolls and dump out some on a plate. I shove it in the microwave and press the button. "BEEP BEEP" they are done. I open the microwave to the savory smell of rolled up pizza, I grab the plate, ready to enjoy my thawed out meal. "OW!" The plate burned my hand, I manage to actually drop the whole plate onto the floor. Sauce, cheese, and some of my tears cover the floor. I look at the mess and think to myself JESUS SON OF A **** I SWEAR TO GOD, I WAS SO HUNGRY, GOD WHY THE HECK, LIKE THOSE WERE SOME TASTY ROLLS BUT YOU HAD TO SCREW THEM UP DIDN'T YOU?, JESUS YOU STUPID BUTTHOLE, WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THE OVEN MITT THINGYS LIKE YOU JUST COSTED US THE GREATEST MEAL OF OUR LIFE. Oliver scoots his boot over and starts to eat the gooey mess of pizza. I didn't see this as my cat eating my food, I saw this as a free cleaning service. So I shook it off and went to binge watch The Flash on my laptop.
"UGHHHHH" I groaned. I pulled out my phone and read the notifications *buy milk* was all it said. I didn't feel like doing anything at the moment so I just sat there imagining how I would survive the zombie apocalypse when all of a sudden JESUS POPPED OUT OF THE FLOOR AND TOOK ME TO NARNIA! Heh just kidding. The doorbell ringed. "ding dong" The sound of bells rung throughout the small apartment. Since Oliver is incapable of opening a door, I had to go get the door. I twisted and pulled on the handle, It was the mailman. "Sign here please" was the only type of verbal interaction we had, I picked up the pen and signed the paper, the mailman then proceeded to hand me a package, Badly packaged, but still a package. I closed the door and set the package on the coffee table. I cut off the tape and pulled back the flaps. Inside was full of packaging peanuts. I dumped out the peanuts for Oliver, and as fast as a bullet he started to play with the peanuts. I looked back into the parcel and say another box. "waht." I said to myself as Oliver thwapped around peanuts. I picked up the smaller box and opened that box. Inside. Was. The milk i ordered from postmates because I am a lazy butt.
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