Hey guys,
As you may have noticed, I've been pretty under the weather lately, and I've been going through rough times. The past year has been the worst for me. The stress of school. The pressure of bad parents bearing down on me. And I've been diagnosed with mental disorder. I've only properly told one person about that, and she's literally the best person in the entire world for me. Sometimes she offers me help, sometimes I offer in return.
But that's not the point. This mental disorder? It's messed me up pretty bad. I can't control my emotions anymore. I don't even know what to think anymore. Sometimes I'm feeling just fine, and I'll suddenly collapse on the ground, not being able to hear, talk, anything. Only seeing myself lying on the ground. I make rash decisions. I blow up on people. You might be thinking, that's not too serious. Well, this disorder almost cost me my LIFE once, and I'm lucky to have survived.
As I said before, I'm not in control of my emotions anymore. I might blow up on you for absolutely no reason. I might tell you things that the real me would never, ever say to anyone. And that has happened. I've inflicted pain on the people I love most. I've lost a good few friends. To them, I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I never meant to hurt you.
It hurts having to control my mind. Sometimes I just scream out loud because I can't take it, and then I'm on the floor. Sobbing. Crying. It's a real nasty thing to live with. I guess I'm one of the unlucky ones.
To the people trying to help me become a better person, I'm sorry. You have good intentions. There was no way you could have known I would do that to you. You're good people. Remember that, always.
And to PartyZone? I'm not sure what to say. When I first bought Minecraft, this was the very first server I joined. Downgrade didn't exist. Party Games didn't exist. I'm one of the oldest members of PartyZone. And the community are the best. Some people ignored my issues. I loved them because of that. They had the conscience to know that, despite what was wrong with me, I was still human. I could still be a good friend. And I was. I still treasure those people in my heart today.
I've badmouthed PartyZone a lot, but in truth, this is the only place I actually feel welcome. I've been accepted with no second glance. I'm grateful to you for that. I love PartyZone. I love the people. I love the server. But most of all, I love the positive energy I receive.
But it's not over yet. I'm not rid of this disorder. I'm not rid of the pain I've suffered. I could still blow up on people. To the people that fate would make me blow up on, I'll say bad things to you. I'll say things that the real me would never ,ever let escape my mouth. To those people, PLEASE don't take that to heart. I still love you. Deep down. I really do. And if you're feeling down like I do, I'd love to talk. That would help clear my mind as well as yours.
I'm told I'm an influential person. But honestly, that's not true. Not one bit. The people who change your lives for the better, whether they be next door or on the other side of the globe, you need to keep those people close to your heart. And things will get better. Things always get better. If you think you're worthless, give yourself a year or two. I guarantee you'll have changed significantly.
I'm really not sure how to end this. I've just poured out my heart and life to you. I'll say one more thing : don't let anyone make you think you're not good enough. You're beautiful just the way you are, and I love you for that. Others love you for that. Don't dwell on what makes you sad, but focus on what brightens up your life.
~A.J.
As you may have noticed, I've been pretty under the weather lately, and I've been going through rough times. The past year has been the worst for me. The stress of school. The pressure of bad parents bearing down on me. And I've been diagnosed with mental disorder. I've only properly told one person about that, and she's literally the best person in the entire world for me. Sometimes she offers me help, sometimes I offer in return.
But that's not the point. This mental disorder? It's messed me up pretty bad. I can't control my emotions anymore. I don't even know what to think anymore. Sometimes I'm feeling just fine, and I'll suddenly collapse on the ground, not being able to hear, talk, anything. Only seeing myself lying on the ground. I make rash decisions. I blow up on people. You might be thinking, that's not too serious. Well, this disorder almost cost me my LIFE once, and I'm lucky to have survived.
As I said before, I'm not in control of my emotions anymore. I might blow up on you for absolutely no reason. I might tell you things that the real me would never, ever say to anyone. And that has happened. I've inflicted pain on the people I love most. I've lost a good few friends. To them, I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I never meant to hurt you.
It hurts having to control my mind. Sometimes I just scream out loud because I can't take it, and then I'm on the floor. Sobbing. Crying. It's a real nasty thing to live with. I guess I'm one of the unlucky ones.
To the people trying to help me become a better person, I'm sorry. You have good intentions. There was no way you could have known I would do that to you. You're good people. Remember that, always.
And to PartyZone? I'm not sure what to say. When I first bought Minecraft, this was the very first server I joined. Downgrade didn't exist. Party Games didn't exist. I'm one of the oldest members of PartyZone. And the community are the best. Some people ignored my issues. I loved them because of that. They had the conscience to know that, despite what was wrong with me, I was still human. I could still be a good friend. And I was. I still treasure those people in my heart today.
I've badmouthed PartyZone a lot, but in truth, this is the only place I actually feel welcome. I've been accepted with no second glance. I'm grateful to you for that. I love PartyZone. I love the people. I love the server. But most of all, I love the positive energy I receive.
But it's not over yet. I'm not rid of this disorder. I'm not rid of the pain I've suffered. I could still blow up on people. To the people that fate would make me blow up on, I'll say bad things to you. I'll say things that the real me would never ,ever let escape my mouth. To those people, PLEASE don't take that to heart. I still love you. Deep down. I really do. And if you're feeling down like I do, I'd love to talk. That would help clear my mind as well as yours.
I'm told I'm an influential person. But honestly, that's not true. Not one bit. The people who change your lives for the better, whether they be next door or on the other side of the globe, you need to keep those people close to your heart. And things will get better. Things always get better. If you think you're worthless, give yourself a year or two. I guarantee you'll have changed significantly.
I'm really not sure how to end this. I've just poured out my heart and life to you. I'll say one more thing : don't let anyone make you think you're not good enough. You're beautiful just the way you are, and I love you for that. Others love you for that. Don't dwell on what makes you sad, but focus on what brightens up your life.
~A.J.
