Elite+ account giveaway!

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Oh wait, is that Donald Trump walking out of McDonald's with 20 Big Macs? Oh wait that's you.
Wait that's a diss gimme a sec.
*searches*
Nothing on the web that's funny. Uhm, is this good?
You are so ugly, you go in a haunted house and come out with a pay check.
 
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

sorry, I just had soo many.
 
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you have 6 apples and take away four. how many apples
you have now?
- the four you took
HAHa edGy
 
A woman gets on a bus with her child. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest child I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

:3
 
Wow.
Pusheen__Chan said:
A woman gets on a bus with her child. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest child I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

:3
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Person: *rings 911*
Hospital: 911 whats your emergency
person: My Grandma passed out in the living room
Hospital: I guess its not the living room anymore
Person: .... -throws phone out window-
 
What did one tree say to the other tree?
Geometry.

(It's meant to sound like gee I'm a tree)
 
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@PrisonBop My old one sucks so I deleted it, hope you never saw it: Here is one my Dad told me:

There's an Irish man an English man and a Scottish man. They are applying for SWAT. The test is to go into there rooms which their wives are in and they have to kill her, before hand, the test provider told the wives that the guns had blanks in them. The Irish man walks in. Wlaks back out saying "I can't do it." The English guy walks in, shoots the blanks. His wife walks out first and said: "Where are the divorce papers?" Lastly, The Scottish guy. He walks in. Everyone hears two gunshots followed my 10 loud bangs. He walks out, hiswife dead saying: "There were blanks in the gun so I beat her to death with the chair she was sat on"

Lol - I wanna get the rank so like, deal out :p
 
A Democrat walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head.
The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc , can you get this wart off my butt?
 
:c
 
Person 1: What is your name?


Person 2:
name
nām/
noun
plural noun: names

  1. a word or set of words by which a person, animal, place, or thing is known, addressed, or referred to.
    "my name is Parsons, John Parsons"
    synonyms: designation, honorific, title, tag, epithet, label; More

  2. a famous person.
    "as usual, the big race will lure the top names"
    synonyms: celebrity, star, superstar, VIP, leading light, big name, luminary; More
verb
3rd person present: names

  1. give a name to.
    "hundreds of diseases had not yet been isolated or named"
    synonyms: call, give a name to, dub; More

  2. specify (an amount, time, or place) as something desired, suggested, or decided on.
    "he showed them the picture and named a price"
    synonyms: choose, select, pick, decide on, nominate, designate
    "he has named his successor"
Thanks, Google.

Live life to the fullest while you still can.
Make it as long as possible.
Also, just came to say a joke.
 
So, a man meets with god after dying. God says, "Y'know, you're neither bad nor good. I'll let you visit heaven and hell and you can decide which you want to go to." So the man goes to heaven, and they seemingly aren't having any fun, playing harps and having no parties. The man goes to hell, and they're partying and having the time of his life. When he returns to god, he says, "I think I'll go to hell." God shrugs. "Whatever you wish." The man goes to hell, but instantly is grabbed by a devil and is put into a pot with boiling water as other devils poke him with pitchforks. "What? I thought you guys were partying!" The tallest devil laughs and says, "Nah, man. That was just because you were a tourist."

I 'm sorry, I couldn't just make a joke. I apologize for what you're feeling and what must be going through your mind. I hope you live your last few days the best you can. Keep holding on. I'm sure all the people who love you will never forget you. I wanted to make you laugh with a joke, I don't know if you're religious or not, tbh I'm not very religious. I don't know if you believe in heaven and hell, but I really hope you'll be flying with the angels of heaven.
 
Memes :p

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I'm having a similar experience, although my condition is not life-threatening, although it could make my life shorter. Anyway, this isn't about me. I really hope that you are ok. Stay strong. <3
 

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I'm not entering this, but i'm so sorry for what you're going through, and i hope you get better, stay strong ;-;
 
Hey, sorry to hear about your situation. Stage III Hodgkin's Lymphoma is a terrible, terrible disease and I hope you live much longer than what the doctors are telling you now. Although I do not want your account, I will post a joke to possibly make you laugh and feel a little bit better.

A black olive and a green olive are going to Olive Garden and doing olively things like shopping when the black olive falls. The green olive asks, "Bro, you okay?" and the black olive responds with, "O-live."
 
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Dizzeh is Green Morphic Drinks Tea I am random and so are we
This is not a joke I'm just tryna point out Morphics Tea drinking problem #HideYourTeaMakeMorphicGreatAgain
 
TheTrueUnknownWeirdo said:
Dizzeh is Green Morphic Drinks Tea I am random and so are we
This is not a joke I'm just tryna point out Morphics Tea drinking problem #HideYourTeaMakeMorphicGreatAgain
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And now I see this Why?
I've told a few friends online that I'm going off to college, and I actually have to apologize because that's not true. Recently I was diagnosed with Stage III Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I didn't respond well to treatment, possibly due to a different health issue I've suffered since birth (personal) and long story short, I don't have long to live. I've gotten a few different estimates from my wonderful Oncologist and various specialists, but none of them thought I'd be living longer than a year. That was several months ago. I know I'm not exactly liked in this community, but I figured there was nobody better to give the account to, since I've spent more time on MCPZ and it's given me endless relief from the horrible reality that I live in
I just saw this. Now I feel bad welp I am blind
 
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