Error: You Were Found (Chapter One)

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ahnna

Heroic Partier
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Jan 25, 2017
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Characters:
Jimmie Knutson: @satuwurn (Group Leader)
Madison Zaveri: @cryiingskies (Tech. Know-It-All/Group Member)
Meredith Romero: @Bori (Leader's Assistant)
Aurora Harper: @GlowingLights (Group Member)
Alyssa Murphy: @Juwules (Detective)
Asuka Takahashi: @Spirits (Detective)
Isaac Newton: @Wolfy (Lead Detective)
Alex Silver: @PrqyForTheWicked (Detective)
Echo Moon: @Val (Group Member)
Squeaks Luminosa: @EverydayImBuffering (Group Member)
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(Feel free to leave any tips below as well!)
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The world had gone dark. Six kids had just escaped what they know to be the darkest place on Earth, and now what do? Run? Quit? That's up to them. Squeaks was the first to regain consciousness out of the group. He didn't really know what to do, so he awkwardly walked over to Jimmie to see if she would wake. Jimmie was half-awake still, and was still in a foggy state-of-mind when Squeaks walked over to her.

"Hello? A-Are you okay?" Jimmie looked up at him with a concerned look.
"I'm good, thanks. How are the others; do you know their condition?"

As she finished her sentence, two others (Echo and Madison) were coming into the main room of the shelter they had taken over. Their shelter has three rooms, in which two members share a bedroom each, along with one main room where meetings are held, food is stored, and tactics are planned. As they walk into where Jimmie and Squeaks are, the four hear a loud BANG come from the door down the hall.

"Open up! It's the detective's unit!"

Instantly, the crew sprung into action. Jimmie stood guard at the door, making sure not to be seen. Maddie went over to the security system, making sure that everything was in check. The other two went in to make sure nothing serious would be seen/taken, and to wake up the others.

After doing a quick, swift check of the base, Jimmie let them in to check. A tall man with a thick accent walked up to her.

"Hello ma'am, I'm Detective Newton with the Turnton Police Department -- I'm sure you've heard about these checks by now?"
"Indeed I have officer-"

Without any warning, him and his crew barge in, looking at each room carefully. The group wasn't prepared for this. Then, everyone in the building hears an ear-wrenching scream coming from the basement of the little shack they were staying in. Of course, the detective squad was concerned so they immediately rushed down.
Casually, Maddie and the others stroll into the main room, with huge grins on their faces.

"You're welcome," Maddie said. Jimmie was confused (and with reason, too.)
"That- was that f-"
"Yes. Yes it was." Aurora had peeped up from the group.
"Who's idea was this?" Jimmie questioned, although she had a clue to begin with.

Slowly but surely, M.R. raised her hand. This wouldn't be the best time to celebrate however, because as they were about to go into their respective rooms, a small, repetitive beep came on. An error.
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Sorry this was so short! I really hope you guys enjoyed this; it took me a long time.
 
Tips:
-Be more descriptive, it will help people understand what is happening.
-Have a story.
-Put your chapters in:
Spoilers
-Stop with the underlining.
-When writing dialogue, try make it longer instead of jumpy and hard to read.

Other than that, it was a good chapter and I am excited to read more!
 
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This is great so far! Although, a bit more detail on what's going on might be nice.

Can't wait to see more! c:
 
Love this so far, but I do recommend putting it in a spoiler (as Wolfy suggested)
 
Love this so far, but I do recommend putting it in a spoiler (as Wolfy suggested)
I had been debating as I was writing it whether or not to do that, so now I know :p
 
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*distant okay hand* liking this!
 
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